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An anonymous letter I would like to send February 19, 2008

Posted by Teen Atheist in career, friends, issues.
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Yeah, I don’t know if I’m actually going to send this, but I do want to. Only, I don’t really want to be responsible for fucking up other people’s relationships. I’m torn.

Aaaanyway.

Dear Mrs. Carl,

You do not know who I am. In the interest of keeping my job and maintaining a good rapport with all my co-workers, I’d like for it to stay that way.

I have some information regarding your husband Carl that I would like you to know about. Bear in mind that this is not an attempt to get his goat; Carl is actually my friend, or at least was my sort-of-friend until he told me about what he’d been doing behind your back. I refuse to associate myself with men like him. I am telling you this because I think that you deserve better than a cheating scumbag of a husband, and a man like Carl does not deserve a faithful wife and loving kids. Karma will strike him sometime, and if I have to be the catalyst, then so be it.

After work, a group of co-workers, Carl and myself included, hung out at a nearby bar and had drinks. I’d always seen Carl as a kind-hearted family man, and thus was quick to befriend him, and apparently he trusted me enough to tell me that he has been cheating on you for the entire ten years that you two have been married.

Anonymous: “How many girls?”
Carl: “Three.”
Anonymous: “How many of these were serious relationships?”
Carl: “Err, all of them?”
Anonymous: “Absolutely no one-night stands?”
Carl: “What? One-night stands don’t count!”
Anonymous: “God damn it. How many one-night stands, then?”
Carl: “I’ve lost track.”

Carl told me that he loves you, and the kids, but it’s a “man” thing to have many mistresses, supposedly, and the sad truth is that in this country, being a philanderer even if you’re married is considered something to brag about. I certainly don’t approve of this, and I doubt you would either.

Your husband is also a horrible sexist.

Anonymous: “What if you found out that your wife was cheating on you?”
Carl: “I’d leave her. …Wait, maybe I’d ask her if she wanted to work things through, but it would definitely be a problem.”

Because cheating is a “man” thing to do.

A huge part of me wishes that he’d never told me about it in the first place, because now I am saddled with this huge burden, and I’d feel guilty if I didn’t tell you. Everyone I’ve asked, save for one, said that it was none of my business and that I shouldn’t stick my nose where it doesn’t belong, but the one person who disagreed with them insisted that by telling me all of this information, Carl had made it my business.

Frankly, I don’t have any advice for what you should do with this knowledge. Were this America, I’d advise you to sue the bastard for all he’s worth, but sadly, circumstances differ where you and I live. All I know is that you deserve much, much better, and I hope that no matter what happens, you are able to realize that. Please look for something better. Don’t settle for this piece of shit, because it’s this attitude among the women of our country that allows cheating husbands to be so prevalent and hailed here. It’s not right. Please don’t let him get away with this.

Sincerely,

An anonymous co-worker of Carl’s

Okay, I’m probably not going to send it. I don’t think she’d be likely to believe some anonymous letter, anyway. The issue, however, and the information I have on my hands, is seriously making me feel guilty for not doing something to right the situation.

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Comments»

1. Mike Greenberg - February 19, 2008

Dude, I totally would not even post that on a Blog. In the off chance that someone stumbles upon it! And while you would be doing the right thing to tell her, chances are it would come back on you.

You see a couple is close, and a human would rather go into denial or shift blame then face the truth. Thus you will be the evil individual. (I tried to inform someone once…)

2. Teen Atheist - February 19, 2008

I think I’m anonymous enough that no one would even recognize the situation. And yeah, chances are I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut. I have a feeling it would be more trouble than it’s worth.

3. Anonymous - February 19, 2008

Eh, just send her a short letter: Get tested for STDs.

4. Teen Atheist - February 19, 2008

Not worth it, Anon. I’m just gonna keep my mouth shut.

5. irishsof - February 19, 2008

Ooo, definitely don’t send it. I’m sort of with Mr. Greenberg above – I hope at least you changed the names to protect the guilty.

Someone once said to me “there only two people who really know what is going on in a relationship, and it’s the two who are in it”. Perhaps she knows or suspects already and turns a blind eye. Perhaps she doesn’t have any clue.

My totally unsolicited advice? 🙂 The next time you’re out with co-workers have a private word with Carl and tell him you don’t want to hear anymore.

6. weemaryanne - February 20, 2008

Would you believe such a letter if you were in her place? Besides, there’s a chance that she already knows about this. Spouses maintain their marriages for a lot of different reasons, reasons known only to themselves; nobody seriously expects Hillary Clinton to explain why she stays with Bill, nor should they.

So shred the letter and tell Carl to keep his business to himself. And never be alone with him, ever.

7. Roe - February 20, 2008

Guys aren’t as slick as they think they are. If it’s been that long and that many women then his wife probably suspects or knows on some level. If you knew his wife and she trusted you then I think you could feel guilty for holding back this information but you don’t and like everyone said she probably wouldn’t believe you and Carl would know it’s you right away. He’s probably told lots of people this little “secret” and shortly months/years after he tells you this letter is sent to his wife? You’d be in hot water pretty quick.

8. Elisha - February 20, 2008

Something similar occurred in my family years ago. The details are slightly different but my rationale is still the same. My 13 year old niece came to me hysterically crying. She told me that she heard her father on the phone with another woman. She picked up the phone to make a call and her father was already on the phone. She listened. I can’t relay the conversation verbatium but it was obvious that her father was cheating on her mother. She stayed with us for the weekend because she couldn’t stand to be at home.

My niece wanted to know if she should tell her mother. After going back and forth with this moral dilemma, we came to the conclusion that she should tell her mother. I believe that everyone deserves to know THE TRUTH. Her mother should not be living her life as if her marriage is stable. This is a deception and she is a victim. She deserves to have all the information so she can make important decisions. These decisions effect the children in the family, so knowing the truth is imperative in order to protect the children.

To make a long story short, after much denial, on her mother’s part, and game playing where she’d continue to sleep with him and stuff, she has accepted the fate of her marriage. They are separated, he lives with the mistress and paid child support until the children were of age. Her mother was ultimatly grateful for the decision her daughter made to tell her.

Ask yourself, would you want to know if your significant other was unfaithful to you? Would you prefer to live your life in a happy delusion? It is very possible that she already knows and in that case, your letter would not matter. But she deserves to know the truth and to act on it, if she wishes.

9. Elisha - February 20, 2008

Also, it is probably true that Carl has told others. So, I think that it would be difficult to have it traced back to you. But I would leave out all references to conversations you had with Carl. Those would definately give you up.

Even if the wife doesn’t believe what you wrote, you planted that seed. If she has a problem with infidelity (some don’t) she will start questioning things.

10. atheistgirl - February 20, 2008

I’m with Elisha. I’d tell her. I may be 13, but my dad cheated on my mom when I was like, 6, so I kinda know what I’m talking about. Although, I’d definitely leave out the conversations. Try not to be too specific or it’ll come back to bite you in the ass.

11. peak9 - February 20, 2008

Teen Atheist,

Hillary Clinton can live a life of delusion while Bill dips his stick in other places. The wife should know, but it should be up to the family and not co-workers. As you said, it might be “more trouble than it is worth.” Eventually, she will find out.

12. jgrab1 - February 20, 2008

One of the things that makes religious nutcases so obnoxious and rreviled by us atheists (to bring this blog back on topic) is how they snoop around other people’s private lives and try to foist their notions of morality on other people who don’t ask for it. They particularly insist that it’s “for their own good.” Just something to keep in mind.

13. Teen Atheist - February 20, 2008

irishsof: Don’t worry, every single name I use on this blog is not the person’s real name. I agree with the second paragraph; the other people I’d asked for advice told me that Mrs. Carl probably already knew. Anyway, I’ve been trying to stay as far away from Carl since that conversation. (Which is not as easy as it seems, because he sits right next to me. Oy.)

14. Teen Atheist - February 20, 2008

weemaryanne: I already mentioned how it wasn’t likely that she would believe an anonymous letter.

And never be alone with him, ever.

Definitely following this one. Carl hit on me a couple of times after that conversation, actually, and every time I see him I worry that I might get molested. He seriously gives off that vibe now. So, I switched seats with some other people a couple of times.

15. Teen Atheist - February 20, 2008

Elisha: Thank you so much for your input. I agree that everyone deserves to know the truth. Carl has definitely told a lot of other people (as I mentioned, being a womanizer is something to brag about here). I’m not sure I will tell her, but I really do wish I could.

16. GDad - February 21, 2008

She does deserve to know. You could also change the circumstances in your letter by saying something like, “Carl told me this about a year ago when he’d had a bit too much to drink, and I just haven’t been able to live with myself for so long without letting you know.”

If that isn’t palatable, you could go with the short-n-sweet “Get tested” letter.

17. yinyang - February 21, 2008

I think there are too many extraneous variables for you to tell her (maybe she already knows, or she’s cheating on him too, etc.). If you had met and talked to her, I think it would be different, but right now probably the best thing you can do is what you’re doing now: distancing yourself from Carl.

18. thinkingteen - February 25, 2008

I really wouldn’t suggest sending that letter. She might not believe it, and what if she showed it to her husband? It’ll be traced to you. Frankly, if he can tell an 18 year old, he could tell anyone. Everyone who works with Carl might know about it, but might think they’re the only ones. I would reccomend a much shorter letter, and if you haveto include the circumstances under which he told you, change them a little.

19. Nicest Girl - February 28, 2008

Completely irrelevant to the post you just made but… I’m passing on the “E” for excellence rating to you! Great blog!

20. Varying degrees of condescension « Diary of a Teenage Atheist - March 3, 2008

[…] is why I felt a little sad about having to cross Carl off my list of friends; even though he was kind of annoying anyway, he was one of the few people […]

21. Teen Atheist - March 3, 2008

Thanks, Nicest Girl! *hugs the E rating, squeezes it and calls it George*

22. Teen Atheist - March 3, 2008

thinkingteen: Yeah, this letter was more narrative so my readers would get the whole situation, but I’m not so incredibly dumb as to re-tell exact conversations. 😀

If I ever send a letter (which, as I said: probably not), it’d definitely be much shorter. A postcard, maybe. And I might go with the “Get checked for STDs” idea.

23. Rarusvir - March 13, 2008

Whether to tell the wife isnt your biggest problem my dear. He’s coming after you, else he would not have confided in you. Watch out, you got a big red x on your head. Don’t be foolish, men only want one thing, and in his case, you already know what that is.

24. Teen Atheist - March 15, 2008

I’ll be careful, Rarusvir. It’s weird to me, though: How should this help his case? Did he think I would be impressed or something?

25. coffeestainednews - April 18, 2008

I bet she already knows, foreal.

26. Teen Atheist - April 21, 2008

Carl (proudly) said she doesn’t. I don’t really know.

27. Agersomnia - April 21, 2008

TA:
Want a similar, closer-to-home story?
My parents divorced when I was 7, and depending on who’d you ask you’d have a different reason: My father said it as impossible for him to stand and live with my morher any longer. She said it was probably because he cheated on him. Me? I saw enough bits to feel she was right.
He re-married with someone else. The one everyone thought was his lover.
Then at least once, when he was trying to give me advice on relationships, I exploded and told him that even if true, I couldn’t accept his words because were coming from him. That hurt a lot to say, but I get the idea he got hurt a bit more.
Now, 20 years later, he comes one day and starts telling me the kind of information you wouldn’t like to know. Like that he cheats his present wife, with how many and what are their names, ages, and aproximate physical appearance. And he even asked for advice on how to keep things “in control”.
I have now enough info to fuck his life for real if I wanted and I have wanted to do so in the past… but I feel there is no sense in hurting for no other end.
Also now even if he insists he never did the same with my mother, he has lost credibility in that area, for good.

Rarusvir, TA: Yes, probably this dude wants you to get used to the idea, and then to see if you still feel intrested in something else. You said elsewhere here, half seriously, that if your boss said dirty things to the ear, you’d lock the door behind you two. Careful.

Coffeestainednews: Many women I’ve met can “feel” that something is amiss. But may take them years to know for sure… Or may never accept it and will do as nothing happens unless presented with irrefutable truth.

The “check yourself for STD postcard is not a bad idea. It may hurt people, but will be in the name of public health.

28. Teen Atheist - April 21, 2008

Thanks for the input, Agersomnia. Will definitely keep that in mind.

You said elsewhere here, half seriously, that if your boss said dirty things to the ear, you’d lock the door behind you two. Careful.

Hmm? Sorry, not sure I got that. Keep in mind that Carl and Mr. McKenzie are two different people.

29. Agersomnia - April 24, 2008

Oh! sorry.

Just began reading the your blog yesterday.
Also, I come to be kind of absent minded, specially with names. So… sorry for the mistake =P

30. Let’s make things easier on all of us by not telling me anything « Diary of a Teenage Atheist - May 6, 2008

[…] when I’d forgotten about my problems with Carl and Mrs. Carl (he quit, by the way — and oddly enough, I kind of miss him), Nikki comes into the picture […]

31. Cynthia Fallon - June 17, 2008

send an anonymous letter at http://www.PostalSecrets.com

32. Rebulon - February 6, 2009

PostalSecrets.com is currently undergoing an IT change and does not work correctly as is. Consider using JohnDoeLetter.com as an alternative.

33. sandrar - September 11, 2009

Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. 🙂 Cheers! Sandra. R.

34. Gracelynn - January 8, 2015

You’ve maanegd a first class post


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