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The importance of being earnest May 26, 2008

Posted by Teen Atheist in anecdotes, friends.
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26 comments

I have this grotesquely ugly friend who, for some reason, finds himself totally hot (which makes him like…a lot of other people I know). Don’t ask me why. He’s the kind of dude who is baffled why he can’t seem to make it with women, and he thinks that a mere glance his way from a chick means that she’s checking him out. It irritates the hell out of me, but I try not to let it register on my face.

One day, this friend puts me on the spot: “Am I ugly?”

I was so caught off-guard that it literally took me ten seconds to answer. And the only B.S. I could come up with was, “Don’t ask me that question. I have weird taste when it comes to aesthetics.”

It’s one of those things where I’m damn sure I could have come up with a better response if I’d had the chance to concoct one beforehand. So anyway, this weird little exchange has prompted me to ask you guys, since I am completely curious (and would like a better response for the next time somebody asks me that question):

What is the meanest/smartest/wittiest/most hurtful/most evasive response you’ve given when an ugly friend had asked you if s/he was ugly?

Or, if you haven’t been asked that before (consider yourself lucky), what would you say? Would you pick tact or honesty?

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I’ve finally earned my wings! May 18, 2008

Posted by Teen Atheist in anecdotes.
Tags: , , , ,
33 comments

I don’t think I’ll ever tire of using theist references. Although I’m currently in the process of graduating from “OMG” to “OMJ(oe)”.

Anyhoo, two days ago, I received a wonderful present from Benj of Atheista.net. Despite the fact that Atheista may have inadvertently outed my nationality as a result of this blog post, I’m still totally psyched!

I’ll admit that I came really close to going on hiatus due to the lack of atheism-related events happening in my life, but now that I have this, my enthusiasm has been newly energized! Even though that might mean more atheism-free, workplace-ranty posts. Sorry, guys.

Thanks to Atheista’s generosity, you may now redirect your servers (or not, if you’re lazy) to…

teenatheist.com

(I would have made it do that HTML blinky thing, but even I’m not that annoying.)

Now, with regards to my nationality being kind of out in the open now, it’s no big deal, as I have mentioned in my About page. Let me just say, though, that I am not in the least bit ashamed to be a countrywoman of [insert country here]. (Okay, so that sounded kind of hilariously ironic, but I do have a point here!) I only maintained ambiguity here because I do not feel that my citizenship is not relevant to the message I am trying to convey with this blog.

…If there is one.

Also, I started this blog aiming to reach an international audience rather than a country-exclusive one, which is usually what happens when [insert country here] bloggers know that you’re from their country. I hope that knowing where I come from does not change your opinion of me; I am still the Teenage Atheist, period, rather than the Teenage Atheist From [insert country here].

I’m not 100% sure on what to do with this shiny new domain since I’ve always been dependent on blog hosts (me to Atheista: “I feel like a hillbilly who just got an iMac — I’m totally honored, although I have no idea how to work this internetty website thingamajigger stuff.” Yes, I am a little bit racist, too. Everyone is!) but I’m currently in the process of figuring this out. I may be contacting Jersey sometime soon to enlist her help, since she’s been very helpful about telling me which buttons to click and all of that. Hee.

In closing, let me quote Wayne Campbell: “Party on!”

The one blog that can convince us atheists that God is awesome May 16, 2008

Posted by Teen Atheist in anecdotes.
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9 comments

If not “awesome,” then at least ridiculously funny.

Not even the Almighty Creator is immune from finding some of the shit in this (Godforsaken? Hee) world annoying, so He’s decided to create a blog about it. Over at Stuff God Hates, nobody’s safe from His Wrath. God takes potshots at cats, Africa, Patrick Swayze and anal sex. Reading and having a good laugh about The Good Lord’s hatred is enough to brighten my day, even, which goes to show you that the guy is simply divine. (I’d say “fabulous,” but I don’t think He’d like that too much.)

Some of my favorite God quotes:

“And I’m a big, big fan of the current guy, Pope Benedict XVI. He’s My kind of Pope – tough like a marine but crazy like a ninja. Way better than the last guy, old Whats-His-Face-Whiny-Bitch II. Trained by the Nazis to be a stone cold killer when he was just a boy, Benedict still keeps his Hitler Youth knife tucked safely under his pillow when he sleeps. Like I said, My kind of Pope.”

“Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.”

“I and I alone, The Sovereign Lord God Almighty, was responsible for every phase of [the September 11, 2001 attack]  – the planning, the flying, the blowing shit up – that was all Me! And quite frankly, I’m sick of other people getting the credit. I mean, what the hell do I have to do? I even posed in the smoke for you people and what do you do? You give the credit to Satan. ARGGH!”

“I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH MY CHERUBIM AND MY FLAMING SWORD AND I’M GOING TO SMITE YOU SO FRICKING HARD!”

Hee, I love that God says “frick,” like Elliot from Scrubs.

“Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true! See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.”

Best TV analogy ever.

“I’m going to use all My Godly Powers to make sure [Hillary Clinton] loses the only thing she’s ever cared about (becoming Emperor) to some smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty.”

Now, I’m a huge Barack Obama supporter, but my favorite part about that quote is not that He’s smiting Hillary, but “smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty” is a hilariously spot-on description.

The Big Papa in the Sky probably still hates me for, well, being an atheist, but either way, I still love this blog. Angry God of this Blog, I love You in a Roberto Benigni kind of way.  Stuff God Hates gets a big two-thumbs-up from the Teen Atheist.

I can’t wait for the day when God takes on Apple and Steve Jobs.

Ask Teen Atheist, #2 May 15, 2008

Posted by Teen Atheist in anecdotes, Ask Teen Atheist, friends, issues, teen angst.
Tags: , , , , ,
25 comments

Hi. My name’s Emily and I’m 14. I’ve been athiest for about a year. I haven’t told my parents, and I still go to church with them. I don’t have the heart to tell them. Anyway, I’ve found one other atheist, my best friend. All of my other friends are very religious. I’m afraid to tell them, because a few will probably dump me right off, but I really want to keep them as friends. I want to tell them, but it will get spread around school, and I see what happens to others. I always stay out of religous discussions. What should I do?

Well, Emily, you might be asking the wrong person about this, because I’m not one of those very vocal, “I’m an atheist and everyone knows it!” types. But since you asked, I’ll give you my perspective.

As I’ve mentioned before, I follow a “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to my atheism, except when the person is very close to me and I can feel that he or she wouldn’t turn on me upon finding out. I’m not ashamed of my atheism, mind you, it’s just very annoying to have to be armed with counters to various inane arguments all the time (“Then where did the universe come from?” “That’s just a phase, right?” “Why is this world that we live in so beautiful?” and other fun crap). There’s also the risk of making your relationship awkward with whoever it is you’re talking to. Even with people you’ve just met, like what happened with me a week ago at a movie premiere:

TA: “I think this movie would appeal to all denominations. I mean, I’m an atheist and I’m totally interested in seeing this.”

Elderly Woman: “Ah.”

TA: “And what did you say your job was again?”

Elderly Woman: “I’m an organizer at our local parish.”

TA: “I see. Cool.”

[awkward silence ensues; TA and Elderly Woman eventually excuse themselves to go talk to other people]

Let me tell you, though, it’s very liberating to be open about your beliefs, which is why I’m slowly becoming more confident in discussing my atheism with others. I think that’s what you could do, too. You don’t have to have a big “Coming Out” party or anything, just try to work your way into becoming more comfortable about your beliefs.

If you feel like your friends will reject you for being an atheist, you don’t have to tell them just yet. You can approach the friends you feel closer to and try to get a feel of how they might react; for example, you could start by asking them about their thoughts on religion and atheism. This is actually what I did with my religious friend, Martha (“How do you feel about atheists?”), and that went pretty well. I also told my friends from school about my atheism after a long discussion on religion (I had a post here, around November 2007, but I deleted it by accident. *cries*).

I don’t want to resort to cliches here, but I do believe you’ll know the right time when it comes. It’s when you feel like there are a million things you’d rather do with your sixty minutes than go to Mass with your parents. It’s when your upper lip starts to twitch when your friends all agree that “all fags should go to hell.”

It’s all a matter of priorities, Emily. If you feel like preserving your friendships at the expense of keeping your beliefs hidden is the better idea, no one’s stopping you. If you can’t stand it anymore and you feel like you need to speak up, that’s okay, too. There is no right or wrong answer here, it’s completely dependent on what you feel would be better for you.

Let me know how it turns out! And if you feel like my advice isn’t enough, feel free to browse through the comments section, because my readers usually have better ideas than I do. 🙂

Let’s make things easier on all of us by not telling me anything May 6, 2008

Posted by Teen Atheist in anecdotes, career, issues, teen angst.
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
18 comments

M’kay? Seriously, this office is TMI Central. I’m just a kid, let me flounce around in my weirdo outfits and devil-may-care grin without having the weight of your problems on my shoulders. Don’t you hate it when people tell you shit without you asking for it?

Just when I’d forgotten about my problems with Carl and Mrs. Carl (he quit, by the way — and oddly enough, I kind of miss him), Nikki comes into the picture with an issue of her own.

22-year-old Nikki (named after, yes, the song “Darling Nikki”) is the girl in your office who will stop at nothing to draw attention to herself. Some will be greatly annoyed (dude, nobody likes Nikki), while others, like me, only feel sorry for her. Just some silly girl with a histrionic personality disorder, is all. She’s essentially the office whipping girl, to the point that it drove her to tears once.

Still, it’s not like the derision is completely unfounded. Nikki would proclaim to anyone who asked that she used to model on the catwalk (still does part-time, supposedly), and everyone else would be like “…Really?” And I’d be one of those people. I’m not trying to be mean here, but Nikki, who might be model-ish from the neck down, is Broomhilda from the neck up. No kidding. She’s all splotchy and blemished and crooked-nosed, the kind of ugly that isn’t even modelesque ugly but just plain ugly ugly. She also brags about having expensive clothes, but when you ask her which outlet she got it from, she takes ten seconds to respond and then gives a wrong answer (read: she’s making it up). Nikki is the annoying kind of person who wants everyone to think she’s well-off, but it’s clear to everyone that she’s, well, not.

Let’s get one thing straight, though: unlike many of my co-workers, Nikki is not a bitch. The girl means well, she’s just a little off her rocker.

One day after hours, everyone else has gone home and it’s just me and Nikki, so I chat with her because I’m not picky about who I befriend. I’ll talk to whoever approaches me. She confessed that the pressure of everyone talking about her behind her back was really getting to her, particularly the latest gossip that she’s supposedly going out with one of our bosses, Kyle, even though he already has a girlfriend.

Now, weeks before my one-on-one with Nikki, I’d already spoken to some of my other (admittedly bitchy) officemates about her. One of them told me the whole situation, explaining that Nikki had a huge crush on Kyle and was now lying to people by claiming that they were in some secret relationship.

Back to where I left off, Nikki was like, “I can’t believe people would make up stuff like that, just for fun.” As a target of their rumor-mongering myself (I apparently have relationships with a couple of the bosses and several of my guy officemates), I just shrugged and explained that it was their nature to do that kind of thing.

Half an hour later, we’re standing outside the building, and she asked, “TA, are you good at keeping secrets?”

“Sure, yeah.”

“I have to tell you something,” she confessed. “But you have to swear not to tell anyone.”

“I won’t.”

She got this weird expression on her face. “…It’s true.”

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