The one blog that can convince us atheists that God is awesome May 16, 2008Posted by Teen Atheist in anecdotes.
Tags: atheism, blog, God, humor, religion
If not “awesome,” then at least ridiculously funny.
Not even the Almighty Creator is immune from finding some of the shit in this (Godforsaken? Hee) world annoying, so He’s decided to create a blog about it. Over at Stuff God Hates, nobody’s safe from His Wrath. God takes potshots at cats, Africa, Patrick Swayze and anal sex. Reading and having a good laugh about The Good Lord’s hatred is enough to brighten my day, even, which goes to show you that the guy is simply divine. (I’d say “fabulous,” but I don’t think He’d like that too much.)
Some of my favorite God quotes:
“And I’m a big, big fan of the current guy, Pope Benedict XVI. He’s My kind of Pope – tough like a marine but crazy like a ninja. Way better than the last guy, old Whats-His-Face-Whiny-Bitch II. Trained by the Nazis to be a stone cold killer when he was just a boy, Benedict still keeps his Hitler Youth knife tucked safely under his pillow when he sleeps. Like I said, My kind of Pope.”
“Oh! How I wish humans could be more like dogs! They are decent, obedient, and love you unconditionally without question – even if you beat them. They set a great example.”
“I and I alone, The Sovereign Lord God Almighty, was responsible for every phase of [the September 11, 2001 attack] – the planning, the flying, the blowing shit up – that was all Me! And quite frankly, I’m sick of other people getting the credit. I mean, what the hell do I have to do? I even posed in the smoke for you people and what do you do? You give the credit to Satan. ARGGH!”
“I’M COMING FOR YOU WITH MY CHERUBIM AND MY FLAMING SWORD AND I’M GOING TO SMITE YOU SO FRICKING HARD!”
Hee, I love that God says “frick,” like Elliot from Scrubs.
“Some of you might be thinking, wait, wasn’t it Jesus Christ who got crucified and not God the Father? Well technically, yes. But the thing you have to remember is that Me and My Son Jesus, we’re actually the same person! I know it sounds kinda schizophrenic and deranged, but it’s true! See, there are three parts of My Personality: The Angry/Vengeful Father, The Loving/Naive Son, and The Confusing/Lazy Holy Spirit. If you don’t know what that last one is, it’s kind of like the black smoke from Lost.”
Best TV analogy ever.
“I’m going to use all My Godly Powers to make sure [Hillary Clinton] loses the only thing she’s ever cared about (becoming Emperor) to some smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty.”
Now, I’m a huge Barack Obama supporter, but my favorite part about that quote is not that He’s smiting Hillary, but “smiley-faced black guy who can talk pretty” is a hilariously spot-on description.
The Big Papa in the Sky probably still hates me for, well, being an atheist, but either way, I still love this blog. Angry God of this Blog, I love You in a Roberto Benigni kind of way. Stuff God Hates gets a big two-thumbs-up from the Teen Atheist.
I can’t wait for the day when God takes on Apple and Steve Jobs.